Why It Will Suck: Rise of Skywalker

Welcome to ‘Why It Sucked’ presented by Toilet Reads. On Why It Sucked we go over the big let downs in life and dissect exactly why a piece of media sucked. On this special edition of Why It Sucked I’ll be predicting why the highly anticipated Star Wars Episode XI: Rise of Skywalker will suck.

I’d like to start by saying that I will be seeing ‘Star Wars Episode IX: Rise of Skywalker’ in theaters opening night. Some of my fondest childhood memories involve me and my friends having light saber fights so Star Wars will always have a place in my heart. Disney will probably keep making Star Wars movies until the sun burns out of the sky and I’ll probably see all of them but if they plan on making them like they’ve made the current trilogy it’s going to be a shit show.

I didn’t mind The Force Awakens (episode VII) even though it was a carbon copy of A New Hope (episode IV) because A New Hope was awesome. It was fun, the visuals were great, and the score was fantastic. Was Rey an interesting character? No. Was she relatable? Not unless you are a child prodigy who is conveniently good at everything. Did I enjoy watching her on her grand adventure? You bet. All and all it was an okay movie that set up some hope for a promising story to come.

And then The Last Jedi (episode VIII) came along and took a shit on the carpet. If you liked it, that’s fine. You could read another post I did on it that explores what I liked about and where I think it went wrong. The truth is that you’d have to be blind to miss all the flaws in that movie. I’ll briefly summarize all the issues in the movie as follows:

  • Why didn’t Hucks obliterate Po the minute he came in range? The Empire had the upper hand and the Rebels had nothing to offer
  • How do bomb droppers work in space? There’s no gravity to drop the bomb
  • They killed Akbar
  • As cool as the force stuff was, Leah surviving the explosion was silly
  • Why do all my childhood heroes have to be losers? Why did Luke have to be a hermit?
  • There is no training. Rey is already super powerful, I didn’t come here for anime
  • What’s with the creepy romance between Luke and milk monster?
  • Space Casino Royal was completely and utterly pointless
  • Rose is the worst character in Star Wars since Jar Jar
  • Oh no! Did you get betrayed by the slimy untrustworthy backstabber?
  • How did Fin and Rose even get off the ship?
  • Why didn’t Holdo tell everyone the plan? Why make them think they’re going to die? Po only started his little mutiny because he thought Holdo was leading them to certain death
  • How did Hucks survive Holdo’s attack
  • The very idea of Holdo’s attack should have revolutionize the idea of space warfare and probably create space kamikazes but I doubt they’ll ever explore that
  • Who is Snoke?
  • All of Ben’s character development is destroyed when he tries to get Rey to go full darkside without offering a new path (even if it wasn’t the right one)
  • Nothing in this movie does anything to build up Rey or make us care about her
  • Po is a fantastic character and yet they give him nothing to do
  • Why would Rose stop Fin from going all kamikaze on the big cannon? Holdo did that five minutes earlier
  • Awkward Rose and Fin kiss
  • Nothing really gets accomplished in this movie. The Rebels just continuously run away from the Empire

All in all the movie was a pleasant watch but it had too many flaws. It doesn’t offer any promise for a future movie, we have no characters to empathize or even care about, and Kylo Ren went from complicated and intriguing villain to angsty standard bad guy. It just feels empty and pointless

This leads me to believe that ‘riSe oF SKywaLkER’, probably the worst movie title of all time, will be bad. We have no characters to really care about or root for except for maybe Emperor Palpatine but we already know he’s not going to win. Also, the title and trailer pretty much gave away the dumb plot of this dumb movie.

The trailer itself is full of disappointments. Rey has a regular blue lightsaber instead of something unique like a two sided yellow one that would be reminiscent of her staff from VII. Why is Palatine back? While I loved Lando and that laugh he did, why is he back? These characters have no business in what should be a new trilogy. Also, episodes I though VI are literally about the rise of two separate Skywalkers. Enough. Enough with the Skywalkers. Enough with the rising. Stop it. It just gives me a bad feeling that Episode IX will be even more predictable and boring than VIII.

“Oh shit! You mean that Luke Skywalker isn’t coming back and that they’re naming the new Jedi Order The Skywalkers? Shut the front door!”

“Rey is not gonna turn evil and ends up defeating Palpatine and Ben Swolo? Nu uh! Not possible!”

Needless to say, I have a bad feeling about this. I don’t mean to be a pessimist but this movie will be, at most, fun to watch. Nothing surprising is going to happen. All we’re getting are cool visuals and an amazing score to carry us through this two and a half hour disappointment. I know it sucks but look on the bright side! At least the Game of Thrones writers got kicked off of Episode X so we don’t have to worry about that one being bad (even though it most certainly will).

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