So I want to start by saying I am obviously an authority on politics so it goes without saying that you plebs would come to me for information on the current candidates to take down the Trump. I have taken the time to briefly summarize all the important candidates with a little about them so you don’t sound like an idiot when your friends start raping poetic about politics. Without further ado i give you the 2020 Democratic Nominees:
“Uncle” Joe Biden. Remember Obama? Joe does and he’ll constantly remind you how he was “Barak’s” Vice President. A big topic in the debates is who could beat Trump. No clear candidate has emerged as the obvious choice but only Joe Biden has challenged the sitting president to a school yard fist fight. President Trump responded to Biden’s challenge saying “He doesn’t know me, but he would go down fast and hard, crying all the way. Don’t threaten people Joe!” Some worry that Biden is falling behind but if there’s one thing Joe Biden is good, it’s sneaking up from behind!
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“Bern the Economy” Bernie Sanders is here to make some changes. Are you sick of working? Do you hate it people who make more money than you? Do you believe in medicare for all but don’t really want to delve into the logistical side of it? If you answered yes to any of these questions than the Bernie Bros are right for you! Real life Frank Costanza, Bernie Sanders, boldly leads his troll army from one of his three million dollar homes
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Elizabeth “Leaf in the Wind” Warren, affectionately known as Lizzy the Librarian is the cool soccer mom of the democratic party that will offer you 100% organic herbal medicine if she hears you cough. Warren is a unique candidate in that she is 1/1,024th Cherokee. Like her somewhat distant Native American ancestors before her, Warren believes in grass roots and respecting the land which we walk.
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Pete Buttigieg: Looking for a candidate who doesn’t belong in a senior citizen home? Look no further than Mayo Mayor Pete! Highly criticized for being to short to represent our country, Mayo Mayor Pete has argued that he “isn’t as short as Trump is fat” Despite being dismissed for his lack of experience Buttigieg has boldly kept to not taking a concrete stance on anything.
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Amy Klobuchar A.K.A the Klobs has been wowing us left and right by consistently not doing well in polls despite her reasonable platform. She’s as good looking as an unattractive woman could be. Although her look is reminiscent of the vice principal at your high school, she aims to become the first female president of the United States. Her most notable achievement is coming up with the fantastic campaign slogan “It’s Klobering time!”
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“Hot Teacher” Tulsi Gabbard: I actually don’t know who she is… Just say “Oh, I don’t care for her at all” if anyone brings her up and you should be fine.
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Mike Bloomberg, Deep Pockets Mike, Here Comes the Bloom. Millions of democrats have been thinking the same thing for the last couple of months; “God, these can’t be my only options” Enter Bloomberg. Mike entered the race last minute by pouring money into advertisement and has astonishingly been able to annoy America into giving him a shot at the nomination. Mayor Bloomberg is widely criticized by his fellow candidates not just for having money but having the gall to have a lot of it. Bloomberg has been criticized by democrats for past policies such as “Stop and Frisk” as well as some misogynistic comments but fear not. Bloomberg has apologized his passed transgressions and pinky promised that he wouldn’t do it again.
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