Bathroom Wars

The United States has many threats today. There is an evil Korean dictator with nuclear weapons, the prospect of global warming looms over our heads, and the country is more divided than ever. With imminent doom on the horizon it is good that the American people focus on the real question, unisex bathrooms. This issue has torn the right and left apart for a few years now. At first, it was all about whether a man who identifies as a woman could use the women’s room and vice versa. Then it later on evolved into asking whether we should even have different bathrooms for men and women in the first place. While smarter people than me have weighed in on the issue with their moral infused and deeply empathetic opinions I feel that do to the name of my blog, it is crucial that I weigh in on this detrimental subject.

For those of you on the edge of your toilet seat, I’ll get straight to the point. The answer is to keep the bathrooms separate. I think all men, myself included, need to band together on this one. Men need to fight this battle to the bitter end. Keeping the separation between men and women is crucial. Why you ask? Simple. As a drunk scientist once said “Have you ever seen a line for the men’s bathroom?” The woman’s bathroom always has a long ass line and I’m not ready for that. I can’t remember a single instance where I was leaving a movie theater and I didn’t see a women’s bathroom with a line out of the building and a men’s room with none. I have no clue what females are doing in there that takes so goddamn long but that’s not my problem and I should not suffer for it. I know it seems like I’m being very apathetic to women here but if they cared about the length of the bathroom line so much then they should just hurry the hell up.

Also, even if the line in the women’s room wasn’t so long, there’s still the issue of condensing bathrooms. If this whole unisex bathroom becomes a thing,  then in 10 years from now you could expect stores, restaurants, and bars to have only one bathroom rather than two which means less stalls and even longer lines. I went to the Whole Foods by Bryant Park the other day and they had a unisex bathroom with only FIVE stalls. The line was through the roof. Who the hell does Whole Foods think they are? They think their all progressive and forward thinking but they’re full of shit. They’re just trying to save money through the guise of being woke. I shouldn’t need to wait 20 minutes to pee. It was outrageous! Think I’m exaggerating? I am literally typing this shit while waiting on line!

I know a lot of people say this is a sensitive issue but it’s really not. The solution is super obvious. Just leave the bathroom system the way it’s always been, separated to two bathrooms, one for males and one for females. A lot of people say that it’s offensive to those who don’t subscribe to the traditional gender constructs but maybe if words on a door to the bathroom offend you than you deserve to be offended. Furthermore, to the transgender people out there who feel offended that they can’t use their desired bathroom, just use whichever one you want. Who’s stopping you? It’s not like there’s a bouncer by the bathroom checking. Just go. Please just leave us with our separate bathrooms so I could quickly pee in peace and get on with my day. We need to fight this because I can’t handle another line to wait on. I shouldn’t have to. Rise up in the comments below, form a resistance, and fight the oppressors!



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